I Will Not Make Adam Sandler a Wedding Cake

Ever since I  have been a part of the podcasting community, my life has changed due mostly to the people have come to know.  As it would happen, most of these people are gay men. From the beginning, I felt I somewhat understood their feelings of isolation from the so-called mainstream of society, the feeling of always being on the outside looking in. Even as a young person, I never thought being gay was a choice.  I just didn't understand it. As a straight girl, I would look at lesbians and could not understand what they saw in another woman.  There was nothing sexy about other women. I can remember aspiring to be like and admiring beautiful women but only in a competitive, judgmental sort of way. These chicks were the enemy because they want what I wanted.  And for me that meant having a man all to myself. No sharing. Now I didn't make a conscience decision to be jealous of prettier girls or hate them because they had the boyfriend I wanted. It was just there. An undeniable feeling that hosting that man's seed (ewwww) is what my hormones were telling me. Again, I never thought that, I just wanted to be close and kiss and smell the soft, warm spot on their neck.

I remember the first guy I was ever really crazy over. We dated for a short time. In hind site, I think he wanted somebody and I wanted him. Being a discrete teenager, he would bring me home and then we would proceed to  fog up the windows by making out in the driveway. Why was I not concerned about my parents looking out the window and seeing us. I didn't care. The drive was that strong. And things were happening to my body that came as a complete surprise to me. My mother would discuss with me how to handle my period but that was the end of any birds and the bees talk.  I was, however, aware that the worst thing that could happen to any young girl was to get pregnant. Side note, the first time I had sex I came prepared. It wasn't with this young fellow either. It was a year later. I came with condoms and spermicidal jelly. None of his swimmers were coming after my unsuspecting eggs. And then soon after my birth control was a diaphragm.. In case you don't know, a diaphragm was a popular method of birth control in the early 80's. This device was made of a flexible rubber material in the shape of a circle with a thicker out rim. The woman was  to put spermicidal jelly in the concave portion of the circle, fold it half, and then place it up into the vagina until you felt something that the doctor would equate to as a nose. This would create a "fort" to the entrance of the uterus and the spermicidal were the foot soldiers who would kill sperm that were on a suicide mission. Hmmm, it is as this point you might say to yourself, "This sounds like a hormone free option for birth control. No pill to remember everyday and you use as needed". Well, let me remind you what goes in, must come out. But not right away. Eight... eight frickin' hours later. Do yourself a favor and don't think about it too much. Suffice it to say, convenience comes with a price.

I tell you all this to reemphasize that the urge to procreate is so strong that you are willing to put up with all this gooey mess. Or you could do what lots and lots of my fellow heterosexuals do and wing it. I mean, come on. What are the chances that that particular night there will be a come hither egg just begging to get implanted by that one super human seed. Turns out pretty good! Numbers don't lie. People are having baby after baby but again, what are the chances, right? The woman's body is ready to up those odds because at the time of the month she is most fertile, she is feeling the most amorous. I can tell you that this is true based on personal data I have collected.  Again, this is nothing you think of consciously, it is just there. You know what you want and you know how to get it.

I will spare you the talk about the miracle of menstruation. You're welcome. So you have just spent some time thinking about what it means to have sex as heterosexual woman. Except for the pregnancy prevention, none of this is voluntary or a choice. Is it so hard to take those same impulses and urges and apply them to someone who is homosexual? Nope. Not at all. For that matter, aren't there better ways it identify and label people than their sexual preference. Just because something constitutes the majority of something doesn't make it right or the standard. Both Adam Sandler and Jeff Foxworthy are millionaire comedians and are popular with the masses, does that make it right? I enjoy the comic styling of Maria Bamford and Patton Oswalt, does that make me better than those folks, nope. We are different. Different can be all kinds of good.

Sex is so subjective and I don't get a lot of it. Whoever said heterosexual sex was such a beautiful thing anyway? Give me a break. I would like the discussion to turn to love, companionship, and taking the government out of our personal lives. Marriage is truly an antiquated notion of a misogynistic culture wherein women were viewed as property. The wedding ring started as a symbol of ownership.  How it has become a symbol of everlasting love, only the jewelry companies can answer. Besides, if I were to have to go through a messy divorce, so should everyone else. Now that is fair. And don't get me started on religion. Right wingers say the United States was created on Christian Values and being gay is an affront to those values. The truth is, the United States was created by a group of people, SOME who were seeking religious freedom from the Church of England, some who were looking for riches, and some who were indentured servants looking for a new start in life. The founding fathers were a group of land owning white men with the power and the influence to create a system of government that benefited other land owning white men. So quit rewriting history people to suit your own purposes people!

As I step off my soap box, I leave you with this. When I met my fellow podcasters, who happen to be mostly gay men, I knew in my heart I could empathize what they felt about growing up gay. I know now, our struggles are much different. I never felt like I had to put on an act or play games with pronouns. It really felt like I was on the outside looking in but I never walked into a room wondering, "Just who in here straight? And can I trust them with my secret?" I never thought I would get beat up for liking a boy. When I got married, I applied for the license and paid the associated fee. We got married in the church we wanted. Nobody told me they wouldn't make my wedding cake because they didn't believe in my heterosexual lifestyle. My parents put an announcement in the local paper about our wedding and were included in the sea of people who got married that week.  Can you take even 10 minutes out of your life and imagine if you had to fight for these rights? I say to all you heterosexual people, get over yourself, you ain't that special. But mostly I have learned I don't know what it felt like growing up gay but if it helps, I don't think it's fair and I don't think you deserved it and I can see how and why you think it is you against us because at every turn our collective culture has told you that. And that is just not right.