For as long as I can remember I have loved to swim. It was the one exercise that came naturally to me. From day one in school, gym class was a constant source of anxiety, embarrassment, and dread. No matter what the activity, my body fought against whatever the instructor said was the correct thing to do. There was a definite disconnect between my brain and my corresponding limbs. It was as though there was a short somewhere in my nerve endings that could never be fixed. A glitch in the wiring that would cause physical spasms like a newly born calf trying desperately to stand having been just thrust from her mother's womb.
No matter what the activity, my body would not coordinate with itself.
Let me break it down for you. Volleyball was invitation to fall down. With my eyes ever skyward watching the ball bounce from girl to girl praying it would not come to my section of the court, I felt almost dizzy, my feet not understanding what my eyes expected from me. Basketball, girl's half court, it was the 1970's after all, meant running and bouncing a ball at the same, clearly two separate activities. Much like rubbing your stomach and tapping your head at the same time, how could anyone do these things at once? And if I got close enough to the basket to throw the ball, my arms did not know the proper thrust and direction ratio to make a successful swoosh. But baseball was the worst. Coed baseball. Baseball clearly was invented a narcissist who liked being the center of attention. Look at me hit the ball! Look at me catch the ball! Look at me run the bases! Or in my case please don't watch me strike out. Please don't notice I missed the ball. And for the love of god, please don't watch me run to first base. You see, running is the fat girls nemesis. In my effort to control the jiggling of my various pieces and parts, I always attempted a very controlled running technique and to the observer, everybody on both teams, it appears I wasn't trying or indeed running as fast as I could. They were right. I was TRYING not to look a fool and for my efforts I got "Run! Run Faster!" The looks on the jocks faces as I invariably made the last out of the inning cut a permanent scar in my ego and psyche. But swimming was and IS different.
Growing up we lived less than a block from the city swimming pool. At around age 6 I took beginners swimming lessons and I literally graduated in 5 lessons. It came so naturally for me, I took their little test and that was it, I was on to Intermediate. Intermediate taught me the various strokes, the crawl, backstroke, etc. and then I was done. In my mind, I knew everything I needed to know and anything else they would teach me would just be fine tuning. I never had any interest in swim team, I am just not competitive in that way. Swimming, back then, was never about being better than anybody else, it was always just about being IN the water. The summer swim pass my parents bought me every year was the wisest, most completely used thing they ever bought me. I would live at that swimming pool every summer. And as I grew up, the swimming pool culture morphed into a social world as well but it was there that I learned to love the pool.
There are many glorious steps to swimming. If you step gradually into the water, the temperature difference is impossible to ignore and if the water is cold enough, it can take your breath away. Gliding slowly into the water as though you have some control how the water will hit your skin and if you're a girl, your breasts are the most sensitive to the chill. Finally, realizing you are putting off the inevitable, you make the plunge, head under and you are fully invested. It's surprising how quickly your body acclimates. Your nerve endings calm down and it feels like home, this water. And suddenly your body is lighter and more graceful than you have ever felt on dry land. When I am in the water, I can imagine the pure joy a dancer might feel. I feel graceful and strong and in control. My arms and legs suddenly do exactly what I ask of them, a confidence comes over me I have never once felt in gym class. The water protects me from prying eyes and I can try as hard as I can and I don't feel like a fool. I don't feel clumsy. I feel athletic and in control and I love it. If I am swimming alone in a pool, the surface calm except for my touch, I can look up as I take a breath, see the surface of the water, see the air bubbles, and I am as happy as I have every been. There is an allure to water that is undefinable. It is a feeling that comes so deep from my core. I cannot explain why I am so drawn to it. When I see even a clean, clear fountain or pond, I just want to get in it. The water draws me to it in such a way that the mere smell or the sight calms me and calms my brain. So I take refuge in the water. So you see, that is why you must simply stay the fuck out of my lane.
